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- T HE S ECRETS TO C REATING AND S USTAINING E NERGIZED R ELATIONSHIPS
plimented Fred on his process and organization skills and urged him not
to give up.
Throughout the interactive training, the different departments dis-
closed their challenges and why they worked the way they did. They
learned to listen to each other and they developed relationships and
trust. They understood and committed to common corporate goals in-
stead of turf objectives. Fred became a cheerleader for the training. He
leapt to the whiteboard to articulate ideas of benefit to everyone and
explain how the process would assist everyone. Other leaders learned of
his frustrations and what manufacturing needed in order to construct
and ship products on time. They began to appreciate his strengths in
process and scheduling and now viewed him as an asset. Communica-
tion and getting to know each other triggered enhanced cross-functional
teamwork. They built relationships.
What dependencies do the departments share? In Fred’s case, he
depended upon engineering’s final say in order to build the products.
Within his own team, there were many dependencies. Painting could not
be done until quality control had checked the constructed items. Fred’s
own department scheduling was meticulous and even built in flexibility
for delays. But the unintended blindsiding from other departments had,
in the past, thrown his schedule into a tailspin and caused stress on his
staff. This impacted his relationships with other managers and their di-
rect reports. When all groups were cognizant of each other’s constraints
and needs, surprises could be kept to a minimum and communication
to a maximum.
Managers proficient in communication will drive relationship build-
ing with other groups or departments. They will initiate meetings with
peer managers to discuss how each unit’s work interrelates and how to
best work together toward common goals. Taking the initiative to under-
stand peer managers’ goals and needs can contribute significantly to
forming healthy work relationships. And relationships can help get
things done.
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Building and Preserving Relationships
The first step in developing and sustaining relationships at work is to
decide that relationships are important in creating a productive and mo-
tivational environment. Once that value is in place, acknowledge that
building relationships takes time and effort. What are some tips for forg-
ing work relationships? Let’s look at three ways that managers communi-
cate their intent about working with people: (1) communicating with
words, silence, availability, and absence; (2) spending quality time with
direct reports; and (3) creating laughing moments to lighten the environ-
ment and let people save face.
Communicating with Words and Silence, Availability and Absence
Managers communicate continually, whether or not they intend to.
Everyone knows we communicate with words. But what do we commu-
nicate with silence? It might be perceived as good listening and trust or
caring about the person. Or, if a trusting relationship does not exist, staff
might interpret silence as a lack of knowledge or concern, arrogance,
anger, or even indifference toward the work or the person. It depends
upon the context, but silence communicates something. It may not be
the intended message, but employees will interpret the manager’s si-
lence through their own points of view, based on their backgrounds,
experiences, and the types of relationships they have with their manager.
If managers make themselves available, they communicate that the
work is important and so is the person. Availability lends credibility to
managerial statements that they want to help employees succeed and
accomplish their goals. Many managers have told me, ‘‘I have an open-
door policy, but nobody comes.’’ Showing availability might mean put-
ting yourself physically in neutral territory, such as walking around,
hanging around the coffeepot a few extra minutes, or eating in the em-
ployee lunchroom. An employee who is hesitant to breach the proverbial
open door might feel more comfortable approaching you in a casual way
‘‘out in the open’’ rather than behind the ‘‘open door.’’
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- T HE S ECRETS TO C REATING AND S USTAINING E NERGIZED R ELATIONSHIPS
If the manager is not available, again the employees interpret the
absence through their own viewpoints. Such unavailability might convey
trust that employees can handle the work on their own or, alternatively,
be perceived as lack of involvement in the work, or it might spark other
reactions similar to the responses to silence.
Spending Quality Time with Everyone
Some managers wonder how to be perceived as treating all staff fairly.
One way is to spend quality time with everyone. As a manager, I used to
have a weekly one-on-one meeting with each of my direct reports. These
were scheduled on the same day at the same time each week so we all
made the meeting a priority. We used the time to discuss progress on
the project milestones, the employee’s future plans on the project, ex-
pectations, and any help he might need removing obstacles or obtaining
resources. One consequence of these meetings was to build and sustain
relationships. We each knew what to expect and how we could work
better together toward the goals.
Spending quality time with staff does not mean you have to go to
lunch or socialize after work. It means everyone gets the same treatment
and support for the work at hand. You and they get continual opportu-
nity to clarify expectations and to reduce surprises on the assignments.
They get regular feedback on performance toward goals in a routine
meeting and thus a better chance to perform well. You each get a chance
to get to know each other better.
Encouraging Laughing Moments
Craig Amack, director and co-owner of BodyMAX Physical Therapy and
Sports Training in Pleasanton, California, is an extraordinary communi-
cator with patients and athletes. As an experienced physical therapist,
Craig educates and encourages people throughout the healing process.
He also creates a positive, humorous environment, which motivates pa-
tients and athletes to deliver their best efforts toward their goals. Once I
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reported to Craig something a friend had done that had annoyed me.
Craig asked me, ‘‘Did you laugh?’’ ‘‘No,’’ I said. ‘‘I got angry.’’ ‘‘Oh,’’
Craig said. ‘‘That was a laughing moment.’’
Craig and his wife, Dana, co-owner of BodyMAX, are the parents of
five children, usually have one or two foster children with them, and
own a thriving physical therapy business in two locations and an athletic
training facility. As busy as Craig is, he laughs his way through his days
at work with his patients and staff. You can hear him through the walls,
and his laughter is infectious. After Craig taught me about laughing mo-
ments, I got to thinking of the wisdom of his message. It would be fantas-
tic if people laughed more at work in good times and especially in tough
times. Many of us have read that laughter is physically and emotionally
good for us. So why not laugh?
Can we recognize laughing moments when we see them? Do we look
for them? Can we laugh through problems? Sometimes when driving,
another driver makes a mistake. If I laugh, they laugh too. I’ve also ap-
preciated when I’ve made mistakes driving and the other driver laughs
along with me as I shake my head or motion with my hand over my head
that I know I’m in the wrong.
If it’s not a safety issue, project crisis, or a major error, mistakes can
be laughing moments instead of times to get hot under the collar. Most
of us would rather be around a humorous person than an angry one.
Emotion can be contagious and we’d rather catch laughing and happi-
ness. If we create ‘‘laughing moments’’ in which we lighten up the unex-
pected or even mistakes, we can help people save face and realize that
mistakes can contribute to learning. Laughter creates a more relaxed,
pleasurable environment in which to work. It can also endear us to em-
ployees and help them use their passion to support the objectives, their
managers, and their teammates. People who laugh together have more
fun and a good shot at building a strong, trusting work relationship.
On an August flight to Orlando, our plane hit extensive turbulence
on our descent. I clutched the armrests. I furrowed my brows. I breathed
in deeply. Then I heard loud laughter throughout the plane. How we
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- T HE S ECRETS TO C REATING AND S USTAINING E NERGIZED R ELATIONSHIPS
were viewing the turbulence varied. Most people saw it as a laughing
moment—much to my surprise. Now let’s look at context. My frame of
reference was desire for a safe landing so I could get to a family funeral.
The many kids on the plane were probably on their way to Orlando
theme parks and looking forward to the attractions. Riding the clouds
like a bucking bronco was a laughing moment for them. I laughed aloud
as I thought, ‘‘Why not?’’
Enjoying Personal Relationships at Work
Even without out-loud laughing, a more personal and close relationship
between workers helps create a more pleasant and effective working en-
vironment. For example, while eating dinner at a restaurant in Jupiter,
Florida, I noticed our waiter seemed to enjoy his work. When I asked
him about it, he said the current owners had bought the restaurant and
kept on the staff. He said, ‘‘I like being with the people I worked with
before. It’s not just a job. We have worked together as a team for a long
time.’’
A Florida banker who had moved from Connecticut said, ‘‘In the
Northeast people have more family around. But in Florida, people hang
out more with people they work with.’’ This was also the case when I
first moved to California. Many of us were transplants and wanted to
make friends. The manager was our friend, too. The entire group, even
those who had been with the organization thirty years, enjoyed socializ-
ing at lunch and parties. This led to workplace cooperation, fun helping
each other, and a comfortable working environment. When it came to
teamwork, we were there for each other.
When You Don’t Like Someone
It is highly likely that you will need to develop a working relationship
with someone with whom you feel uncomfortable. A manager must as-
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sign work, follow up on performance, and give feedback every day. How
can you deal with someone you would rather avoid?
Once, during a ten-week supervisory certificate program I was lead-
ing, it became apparent that one participant did not like one of her direct
reports. Nicole complained every week about Matt’s shortcomings. Each
week there was new ‘‘data’’ to substantiate why he wasn’t a good em-
ployee. However, much of it was not factual. It was primarily judging
and opinion.
One week, after she blamed Matt for his latest transgression, I asked
in a neutral tone, ‘‘Do you like him?’’
‘‘Of course I like him,’’ she said, as the rest of the participants shook
their heads left to right. Some turned to her and said, ‘‘No, you don’t.’’
‘‘I do like him,’’ she said.
‘‘Does he think you like him?’’ I asked.
‘‘Of course he does,’’ she said. ‘‘He knows I like him.’’ Again the class
disagreed with her.
‘‘Your other employees know you don’t like Matt too,’’ one partici-
pant added.
We had developed trust in the group so people gave and heard feed-
back quite well. Nicole was surprised but eager to hear why the class
gave that feedback. So we held a discussion of what happens when em-
ployees sense you don’t like them or are judging them in a negative light.
It is hard for them to escape the judgment and be seen as performing
well. They may feel unconfident and uncomfortable coming to work.
They may avoid tasks in which they might make a mistake. They might
even avoid the manager, which makes the relationship impossible to
repair.
Nicole had never stopped to think about whether she liked Matt or
not. She had just gotten into a habit of looking for the negative and
blaming him for it. And she hadn’t thought about the effect her constant
faultfinding with Matt had on the rest of the team. Fortunately, the train-
ing participant group had built a good team relationship with lots of
trust and she knew we were trying to help her. Not liking people is only
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- T HE S ECRETS TO C REATING AND S USTAINING E NERGIZED R ELATIONSHIPS
human. But as managers, it’s not how we feel, but how we act that mat-
ters. We turned the class conversation to what we can do when we don’t
like someone. I recommended that Nicole follow six steps. She tried it
and she changed her behavior toward Matt over the next week and re-
ported positive stories about him in our next training sessions. If there’s
someone you don’t like, or feel uncomfortable around, try the six steps.
What to Do When You Don’t Like Someone
1. Hunt for the positive. Find one thing good about the person. Maybe
he has technical expertise in one area of the job. Or he gets along
well with a coworker. Or he always meets deadlines. Or he asks pro-
vocative questions that can save the company problems later on.
2. Concentrate on this one positive thing until you accept this positive
trait or behavior. This might take a day, a few days, or even a week.
3. Compliment the person on something job-related that he is doing
well and specify why it is important.
4. Once you’ve accepted one good characteristic, pick another positive
trait or behavior and focus on that. Don’t allow previous bias or
preconceived notions to interfere.
5. Have coffee or lunch with him and seek to understand him as a
person.
6. During weekly checkpoint meetings, ask for his opinion on the work
and listen to what he says. Paraphrase and clarify. Think about what
the opinion offers rather than rejecting it.
Try these steps for three to four weeks and see if it works for you.
That’s about how long it takes to ingrain a new habit. If you truly intend
to develop a better relationship with the person, you will change your
habit from seeking negative information to seeking positive work behav-
ior and results.
Following these steps can enable a manager to act fairly toward
everyone by viewing the job performance objectively and without bias.
It usually improves the relationship with the direct report and, by the
ripple effect, with others on the team. When there is trouble between an
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employee and the manager, the whole team experiences discomfort and
stress. They look to the manager to fix the problem, not instigate it.
Summary
This chapter has introduced the importance of building and sustaining
healthy working relationships with all staff members. Relationships help
drive the work because of the commitment and enjoyment associated
with good relationships. Strong work relationships invite trust, open
communications, and positive interpersonal interactions.
The next chapter targets crystal clear expectations. When employees
know what to expect, they can deliver. Thus trust grows, and so do rela-
tionships.
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- CHAPTER
2
Setting Expectations with
Turbocharged Clarity
Communicating expectations is the basis for all management communi-
cation. You need to very clearly communicate unambiguous expecta-
tions to your staff. All other management functions fall into place when
you lucidly communicate expectations to your team. Clear-cut expecta-
tions are the reference point for employee performance. You have to
refer back to the expectations in order to deliver effective feedback and
compelling coaching. Name any management function—motivating,
planning, progress management, performance management, teaching,
decision making, and so on—they all depend on determining definitive
requirements in the beginning.
Once you decide the course you want your direct reports to follow
and tell them, you enable them to perform their duties at an acceptable
or exceptional level. They cannot achieve success without knowledge of
your performance expectations.
This chapter offers tips on why turbocharged expectations are im-
portant to your success and that of your staff. This chapter also explores
the impact that defining expectations has on creating and sustaining re-
lationships, including building trust. When blindsiding and surprises are
kept to a minimum, trust and relationships increase. Trust means your
group can depend on you to make decisions and assign reasonable ex-
pectations.
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- S ETTING E XPECTATIONS WITH T URBOCHARGED C LARITY
To ensure you are on firm ground when you decide expectations,
you need to ‘‘manage up’’ and be clear on what your own boss expects
of you. To be viewed as a strong leader, you must link with and be on
the same page as your manager. When you communicate expectations
to your staff, you must be sure that your boss is not going to change such
expectations later. This would dilute your authority, slow down work
progress, reduce trust, and damage relationships. To help you clarify
your boss’s expectations, we include a sample worksheet later in this
chapter (see Figure 2-1 on page 35). After you and your boss agree on
your responsibilities and levels of authority, you can use a similar work-
sheet with your direct reports as a communication tool about your tur-
bocharged expectations of them.
Communicating Expectations
Expectations are the written and unwritten outcomes, or methods of
achieving outcomes, that a manager hopes will be accomplished. The
more explicitly expectations are delineated, communicated, and under-
stood, the more likely they are to be achieved. Assumptions that a direct
report knows what the manager wants delivered, or how, might end in
disappointment for both parties. A decisive manager states what success
should look like—either in the end result or in the method to reaching
the result.
The starting points of expectations are job descriptions, performance
standards, and goals. These written requirements are essential commu-
nication tools. They have great merit. Formal job descriptions and goals
are, however, only the beginning of setting expectations. They are the
skeletons on which skilled managers flesh out the rest of the expecta-
tions.
Many managers assume that providing written job descriptions and
goals or expressing expectations verbally one time means that staff know
how to proceed. If you find yourself thinking, ‘‘the employee should
know,’’ try substituting the words, ‘‘the employee probably does not
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