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can cultural imperialist shitbag capitalist. But give Bono credit. He figured something out that I didn’t. One word: Africa. The place is like a miracle worker shrine, a whole continent filled with absolution. Touch it, and you’re healed. No matter who you are, no matter how greedy or rotten, if you invoke the cause of helping Africans you get a free pass on everything else. Sure, Bono didn’t think this up himself. He stole it from Princess Diana. Now Bill Gates has jumped on the Africa bandwagon too. And Madonna.
But whatever. I like Bono. He’s the only person I know who’s more self-absorbed than I am. Which, when you’re not feeling good about your life, can be a really great thing. With Bono you can hang out all night and never once get to talk about your problems. You just listen to Bono blather on about AIDS and Africa and poverty and debt relief and how The Edge still can’t tune his friggin guitar by ear, even after all these years, and he still needs to use one of those electronic tuners instead. Oh, believe me, Bono is the black hole of Calcutta when it comes to conversation. A real barrel of laughs. If you ever start thinking your life sucks, spend some time listening to Bono and his sob stories.
So we started out in this bar in Palo Alto, and he gets ham-mered, of course. Next thing I know he’s sobbing. Says he’s seen this stupid Al Gore movie about global warming and he’s freak-ing out.
“Oh, Steve,” he says, “you should see the poor polar bears. Drownin! We gotta do sumfin, like have a concert or whatever.” So I tell him, hey, first of all, a real polar bear would bite your friggin head clean off and eat you alive. “They’re not exactly these cuddly little animal friends that Al Gore probably told you
they are.”
Second, I told him, “You know, not to sound condescending or whatever, because definitely I’d like to go plan a little charity
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concert with you, but I’m pretty busy these days, because in case you haven’t been reading the papers lately, the feds are trying to put me in jail. Meanwhile I’m trying to develop a new phone, and a new TV device, and I’m working on a presentation for our big developers conference which is only a month away, and I’m also putting the finishing touches on a new video iPod that holds four and a half hours of full motion video, which means one day soon we are going to wake up in a world where you can carry two full-length movies in your pocket. Think about that. Boom. Game over.”
Mr. Bono the Rock Star says, “Jaysus! Another fookin iPod? You’re like Willy fookin Wonka in his fookin chocolate factory, out there baking up your fookin iPods, and meanwhile the fookin planet is fookin meltin, ya fooktard.”
I tell him, “Bono, look, we all gotta do what we do, right? You wouldn’t call up Picasso and ask him to stop painting so he could work on global warming, would you? You wouldn’t call up Gandhi or Martin Luther King or Nelson Mandela and say, ‘Hey, put aside that human rights stuff and come save some pen-guins on the Greenland ice cap,’ right?”
Bono says there are no penguins on the Greenland ice cap, they’re all down on the South Pole or whatever, like he’s Mr. Ecology Expert now that he snoozed through some movie. As far as I know the guy didn’t even finish high school. Then he starts calling me an eejit and telling me I should be putting all of Apple’s profits into some fund to save the planet.
I do what I always do when I want to drive someone nuts: I go Zen on him. I get all calm, and I say, “Riiiight, grasshopper, let me run that one past the board of directors. Give away all of our profits. We’ll put that on the top of the agenda for our next meeting.” Then I go, “Hey man, I’m going into a tunnel, man, oh shit, can you hear me? Zzzzzzh. Zzzzzzzzh.”
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Apparently he’s not as drunk as I thought because he says, “Cocknose, I’m sitting right here next to you at a table, remem-ber? We’re not even on a fookin phone.”
“Oh, what? Mmmmm . . . can’t hear . . . zzzhhhzzhh . . . what? You there? Can you hear me? Zhhhzhhh . . . Hey I’ll call you back, okay?”
“Seriously, Steve.”
“Seriously, Bono. Look, I’m telling you this ’cause I’m your friend. You need to get a grip, dude.”
So we pay our tab—let me clarify; I pay our tab, because in case you didn’t know this, Bono is probably the cheapest person in the entire world, and he never carries money, saying it’s because Jesus never carried money, but really it’s so he never has to pay for anything—and we drive up to the city. Bono insists he’s okay to drive, and maybe it’s an Irish thing or something because, even though he could barely walk out to the car, once he’s behind the wheel he’s fine, even when I’m passing him a joint and he needs to take his eyes off the road for a second to grab it.
We spend way too much money on dinner at some incredibly overpriced restaurant where the waiters cop all sorts of huge ’tude when I order raw vegetables and insist on having the veg-etables presented to me before they’re prepared and served. Dur-ing dinner I try to tell Bono about the trouble I’m in with the SEC, but he won’t even pay attention.
“Come on,” he says, “let’s go hit the Mitchell Brothers.” He goes there every time he’s in town and runs straight to the room where you sit in the dark on couches and everybody gets a flashlight and you watch some chick diddle herself and all around the room you can hear losers whacking off in the dark. Last time I had to throw out my shoes afterward, because I’d stepped in so much man gravy (and no, not my own, but thanks
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for asking, a-hole). But Bono loves it. For years I’ve played along with him on this, but this time I tell him, “Buddy, please, let’s take a rain check.”
So here’s the thing. We’re driving down Route 280 in the rainstorm and this guy in a big Lexus sedan swerves as he’s changing lanes, and almost hits us. Bono has this total Irish temper, plus he’s shitfaced, and so he starts screaming and says, “Fook this, boyo, I’m gonna stick this fooking Aston Martin up this fooker’s arse!” He floors it. In a nanosecond we’re right on this guy’s rear bumper with our high beams on. Then, I can’t believe it, but Bono hits the guy.
Just a tap, the first time, but we’re going about eighty and the Lexus starts fishtailing on the wet highway. The guy in the Lexus is freaking out, waving his arms. Bono cackles and he says, “How’s dat fer a little taste of death, eh?” Then he pegs it and hits the guy again, harder this time, and then again, really hard, and the back of the Lexus crumples up like a tin can.
We all pull over. The guy gets out, and he’s got blood coming out of his eye sockets he’s so pissed. Then we open our doors and he sees who we are. It takes him a few seconds to register it. Then he’s like, “Wait a minute, aren’t you—and aren’t you—”
We’re standing there, like, “Uh huh, yup, that’s right, and don’t you feel like the world’s biggest turd right now?” He says, “Dude, you guys scared the shit out of me! Oh, man! Ha! You guys are awesome! I’m soooo sorry about getting in your way, I mean seriously, if I’d known, you know, who you were or whatever.”
Bono says, “Well, tink about dat next toim yer cuttin’ off some bloke and you don’t know who it is, right? Could be Jay-sus. Or Boutros Boutros-Ghali or sumfin.”
The guy gives him this look, like “Boutros who? Bootsie Collins? Huh?” And he says, “Seriously, I just want to say, I’m totally sorry about this.”
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Here’s how classy Bono is. He goes over and shakes the guy’s hand, the rocker handshake with the thumbs up, and he says, “Hey man, it’s kewl, ya know? Seriously, apology accepted.” Then Bono says, “Here, take this,” and hands this guy his own personal iPod, the U2 model, in black. “You keep it,” he says.
The guy looks at it for a second and he’s like, “No friggin way.” Like he just got a Cadillac from Elvis or something.
This is why I love Bono. Because down deep this is who Bono really is. This is the private Bono, the person the public doesn’t get to see. He takes a moment that could turn ugly and he makes it into something really beautiful. That’s just how his processor is wired, you know?
Bono, you are a class act. Totally.
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So I’m getting huge blowback from the engineering depart-ment for firing Mike Dinsmore and his wise-ass helper Jeff. Ap-parently the engineers are all very devoted to the big carrot-top freak and they want him back. They’ve even signed a petition. But you know what? Frig that. I like firing people. I find it invigorating.
Whenever I’m feeling down, or low, or when I can’t break through some negative energy and get back into a creative groove, one of the first things I’ll do is fire someone. Naturally I try to be creative about it. One example is a game Lars Aki and I have created called Sniper. We do it when we need something to spark some creativity. Sniper is like a video game, only in meat
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